1 00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:23,520 Hand over your handbag or I'll hit you. 2 00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:27,320 Hand over your handbag or I'll hit you. 3 00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:30,820 Hand over your handbag or I'll hit you. 4 00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:39,140 Hand over your 5 00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:40,800 handbag or I'll hit you. 6 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:42,920 No, too posh. 7 00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:45,400 What about this one? 8 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:49,060 Fire extinguisher. 9 00:00:49,660 --> 00:00:52,920 One of the great ideas is this one. There's nothing wrong with my ears! 10 00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:59,180 Hand over your hand, Bagger, or I'll hit you. 11 00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:01,540 No, he had a funny accent. 12 00:01:06,940 --> 00:01:07,940 Oi! 13 00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:09,280 Aye, aye. 14 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:10,559 Say it. 15 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:11,560 Say what? 16 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:14,100 Say, hand over your hand, Bagger, or I'll hit you. 17 00:01:19,050 --> 00:01:22,470 Are you saying that your assailant had a Birmingham accent? Yes, like his. 18 00:01:24,150 --> 00:01:28,370 Whining, flat, nasal, brummy accent that sounded like a hoover with a full 19 00:01:28,370 --> 00:01:30,370 dustbag. It was you, wasn't it? 20 00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:33,190 Eh? It was. It was you. Same eyes. 21 00:01:33,750 --> 00:01:35,070 No, no, no, no. 22 00:01:35,450 --> 00:01:36,710 I'm a police officer. 23 00:01:36,970 --> 00:01:39,910 That is a fire extinguisher and these are the suspects. 24 00:01:40,230 --> 00:01:41,230 You horrible... 25 00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:53,040 How does it look? 26 00:01:53,220 --> 00:01:54,220 How does what look? 27 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:58,180 What am I supposed to be looking at? This. 28 00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:04,300 This is your fault. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I can just see it. 29 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:09,740 Now, not only have you got the sex drive of a Chinese panda, you're starting to 30 00:02:09,740 --> 00:02:10,740 look like one. 31 00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:12,620 It's a skinhead, all right? 32 00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:14,280 Yeah, yeah. Skinhead. Fine. 33 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:19,160 We were breaking up a pub brawl and a skinhead hit me with a soda siphon. OK. 34 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:20,680 OK. 35 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:22,440 Your secret is safe with me. 36 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:24,320 My lips are sealed. 37 00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:27,380 Sir, sir, look at Bob's eye. 38 00:02:27,860 --> 00:02:31,520 It was beaten up by a 75 -year -old lady. You should have seen it. It was 39 00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:35,420 hilarious. Do you want one of these? Do you want one of these? Now, lads, lads. 40 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:40,040 We can't let these silly arguments interfere with the smooth running of the 41 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:41,040 team, can we? 42 00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:44,280 Team. So how's the Father Christmas investigation going? 43 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:45,580 Oh, Bob's keeping an eye on it. 44 00:02:48,750 --> 00:02:51,490 Good Joe Briggs, keeping an eye on things. 45 00:02:52,170 --> 00:02:54,510 But seriously, Bob, over to you. 46 00:02:55,850 --> 00:03:00,950 Well, we did this line -up and we established through the victim that the 47 00:03:00,950 --> 00:03:03,910 perpetrator had a Birmingham accent like mine. Good work, Louis. 48 00:03:04,890 --> 00:03:08,570 Right, now, at our end, we've discovered there have been three other muggings in 49 00:03:08,570 --> 00:03:11,910 the same area carried out by a man dressed as Father Christmas. 50 00:03:13,030 --> 00:03:16,590 I've decided to call him the Father Christmas Mugger. 51 00:03:18,030 --> 00:03:19,030 Nice accent. 52 00:03:21,690 --> 00:03:27,810 And we think he might be working as a Father Christmas in one of the local 53 00:03:27,810 --> 00:03:28,810 department stores. 54 00:03:28,970 --> 00:03:30,710 We've drawn up a list of names and addresses. 55 00:03:31,290 --> 00:03:34,450 So we send someone round to interview him and find the one with the Birmingham 56 00:03:34,450 --> 00:03:37,730 accent. Thanks to your good work, Louis. Yes, we can. 57 00:03:38,030 --> 00:03:43,350 We can certainly use that vital clue which you uncovered to wrap this case 58 00:03:43,630 --> 00:03:44,890 I was there too, sir. 59 00:03:45,290 --> 00:03:46,590 Indeed you were, thanks. 60 00:03:46,940 --> 00:03:48,340 And your help is much appreciated. 61 00:03:48,780 --> 00:03:52,380 You've both done extremely well. If we weren't all men, I'd give you a little 62 00:03:52,380 --> 00:03:53,380 cuddle. 63 00:03:55,460 --> 00:03:56,460 You're OK, sir? 64 00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:58,120 Me? Yes, I'm fine. 65 00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:00,940 And you're fine. 66 00:04:02,060 --> 00:04:06,060 You're more than fine. You're fine, fine officers and good, good men. 67 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:12,620 So tomorrow morning, if you could just nip round to these addresses and talk to 68 00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:13,980 these men, that would be fine. 69 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:20,180 What? Suddenly, the mist begins to clear. 70 00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:21,720 I don't know what you mean. 71 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:23,400 Tomorrow. 72 00:04:23,700 --> 00:04:24,700 Tomorrow. 73 00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:27,340 Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. 74 00:04:28,260 --> 00:04:30,420 Tomorrow being Christmas Day. 75 00:04:31,060 --> 00:04:32,060 Christmas Day? 76 00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:33,280 Is it? 77 00:04:33,740 --> 00:04:35,040 December the 25th. 78 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:38,080 Same as it has been for 2 ,000 years. 79 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,500 Just doesn't feel like Christmas this year, does it? 80 00:04:42,260 --> 00:04:43,260 Where are you going? 81 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:45,120 We made a deal last year. 82 00:04:45,550 --> 00:04:49,870 No more Christmases. For the last 25 years, me and him have worked more 83 00:04:49,870 --> 00:04:51,270 Christmases than Noel Edmonds. 84 00:04:51,470 --> 00:04:52,469 Lads, please. 85 00:04:52,470 --> 00:04:56,930 No. On moral, religious and ethical grounds, we refuse. 86 00:04:57,370 --> 00:05:01,130 We're going to spend the next three days getting unconscious on sherry, cheap 87 00:05:01,130 --> 00:05:05,050 lager and watching unscrambled porno movies on satellite telly, just like 88 00:05:05,050 --> 00:05:06,050 everyone else. 89 00:05:06,330 --> 00:05:07,690 But nobody else will do it. 90 00:05:08,310 --> 00:05:09,310 Exactly. 91 00:05:09,530 --> 00:05:10,930 But you've got nothing else to do. 92 00:05:13,710 --> 00:05:15,610 I think we'll pretend we didn't hear that. Shall we, Robert? 93 00:05:16,050 --> 00:05:18,030 I'm sorry, lads. Look, come back. 94 00:05:19,510 --> 00:05:24,290 We continue to fight the forces of evil until the end of our shift at 5 .30. 95 00:05:25,730 --> 00:05:27,750 And then it's officially Christmas. 96 00:05:29,570 --> 00:05:34,690 I love this time of year. 97 00:05:35,270 --> 00:05:39,130 Yeah. You know me, Dave. Hard, steely. Well, you have to be. 98 00:05:39,470 --> 00:05:41,110 But at this time of year... 99 00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:46,610 The delighted faces of the little children. The twinkle of the Christmas 100 00:05:47,170 --> 00:05:51,390 The overwhelming smell of alcohol on office workers' breasts. 101 00:05:51,850 --> 00:05:53,110 Vomit on the pavement. 102 00:05:53,350 --> 00:05:54,350 Yeah. 103 00:05:54,870 --> 00:05:58,990 Oh, the smell of chestnuts roasting in an open fire. 104 00:05:59,390 --> 00:06:00,530 Nothing like it. 105 00:06:02,450 --> 00:06:03,850 You got a licence for this? 106 00:06:04,310 --> 00:06:05,990 You are nicked. 107 00:06:06,350 --> 00:06:07,350 Sorry. 108 00:06:08,930 --> 00:06:10,230 It's your lucky day. 109 00:06:11,050 --> 00:06:12,050 Oh. 110 00:06:12,250 --> 00:06:14,310 Sir. Merry Christmas. 111 00:06:14,670 --> 00:06:15,730 Merry Christmas. 112 00:06:20,570 --> 00:06:21,570 So, 113 00:06:27,670 --> 00:06:28,670 what you got planned? 114 00:06:29,030 --> 00:06:30,450 Me? Yeah. 115 00:06:31,590 --> 00:06:32,590 Oh. 116 00:06:33,530 --> 00:06:34,810 You know. What? 117 00:06:35,430 --> 00:06:36,550 The usual. 118 00:06:39,820 --> 00:06:40,820 You got people coming round? 119 00:06:41,740 --> 00:06:42,740 Yeah. 120 00:06:48,940 --> 00:06:50,920 Don't make this tape like they used to, do you? 121 00:06:51,860 --> 00:06:53,140 Pack it in, mate! 122 00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:58,540 So, you're on your own, then? 123 00:07:03,580 --> 00:07:05,160 Cos I am. 124 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:08,100 I haven't really thought about it. 125 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:09,880 No? 126 00:07:10,420 --> 00:07:13,300 No, no. Can't bear all that fuss. 127 00:07:14,620 --> 00:07:17,160 Cooking. Christmas decorations. 128 00:07:18,340 --> 00:07:21,100 Sitting around an open fire with your loved ones. 129 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:25,740 Watching the little tykes opening their presents. 130 00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:40,360 Oh, nothing planned. 131 00:07:41,540 --> 00:07:42,540 That's why I like it. 132 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:45,660 Spontaneous. Exactly. 133 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:50,440 Will there be another menu master ready -cooked meal down at the SO station? 134 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:51,960 Or not. 135 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:56,040 Dave? 136 00:08:02,380 --> 00:08:05,340 What? Don't suppose you fancy... Coming over? 137 00:08:05,780 --> 00:08:06,619 Well, yeah. 138 00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:07,499 To yours? 139 00:08:07,500 --> 00:08:08,500 Well, you know, if you fancy. 140 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,860 It's a bit short notice, isn't it? Well, if it's a problem. 141 00:08:14,620 --> 00:08:19,280 Well, you know, I just have to make a few phone calls. You can always use my 142 00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:20,700 phone. Why not? 143 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:23,100 Why the heck not? 144 00:08:24,140 --> 00:08:25,140 Spontaneity. 145 00:08:25,300 --> 00:08:27,180 Spontaneity. We can go now. 146 00:08:27,860 --> 00:08:28,920 We can have a few cans. 147 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:30,200 We can have turkey. 148 00:08:30,740 --> 00:08:34,480 The oven's bust. We'll grill it. Or fry it. We can do what we want. Exactly. 149 00:08:36,409 --> 00:08:39,150 I was going to give you this now, but I'll give you it tomorrow morning. 150 00:08:41,850 --> 00:08:42,850 Great. 151 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:46,230 Oh, but this time on Christmas Eve, we were lucky to get that. 152 00:08:48,370 --> 00:08:49,830 A one -legged turkey. 153 00:08:51,630 --> 00:08:53,090 Probably lost it trying to escape. 154 00:08:53,650 --> 00:08:55,650 Look at the Steve McQueen of the turkey world. 155 00:08:56,250 --> 00:08:58,570 Well, I'll have his leg and you can suck his walking stick. 156 00:08:59,590 --> 00:09:02,050 By the time he's cooked, we'll probably be legless anyway. 157 00:09:02,770 --> 00:09:04,610 Right. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. 158 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:08,880 Sorry to have kept you. What can I get you? 159 00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:11,420 I'll have six of these, please. 160 00:09:11,740 --> 00:09:14,400 Oh, you do know that with every three you buy of those, you get one free? 161 00:09:14,740 --> 00:09:15,740 Really? 162 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:19,560 So, we've got six, but we get two more free. That's right. 163 00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:21,680 Go on then, Bob. 164 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:27,680 You know, Dave, we've got eight pounds, right? 165 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:32,280 Yeah. If we buy another one, we can get three free. 166 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:34,840 It's true. 167 00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:36,520 Er... 168 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,420 We'll have nine cans, please, miss. 169 00:09:39,740 --> 00:09:41,060 And these three are free. 170 00:09:45,020 --> 00:09:46,020 Great, isn't it? 171 00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:48,440 Come on, we've got 12 cans, right? 172 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,160 Well, threes into 12 goes four. 173 00:09:52,180 --> 00:09:53,620 We should have four free ones. 174 00:09:54,060 --> 00:09:57,880 Sir, you want to pay for 12 and have four free? 175 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:01,880 Four free? 176 00:10:15,839 --> 00:10:20,040 Sixteen. If we buy two more, we get sixty ones. 177 00:10:21,420 --> 00:10:23,000 We only came in for six. 178 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:25,960 We've got them for nothing. 179 00:10:29,020 --> 00:10:33,580 With the money we've saved, we can buy six more. 180 00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:37,260 Oh, Jesus. 181 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:41,400 Excuse me, miss. 182 00:10:48,620 --> 00:10:53,380 I can't work out, if we've just saved so much money, why is it I've only got 78 183 00:10:53,380 --> 00:10:55,280 pence to see me through the rest of Christmas? 184 00:10:57,800 --> 00:10:59,380 It's called supply -side economics. 185 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:00,699 Trickle down. 186 00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:01,760 It's all to do with the emu. 187 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,000 Still, he needs Christmas. 188 00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:10,200 Yeah. Hey, and what do you need money for, anyway? 189 00:11:10,620 --> 00:11:13,060 We've got everything we need for the next week here in our hands. 190 00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:16,600 Bird with one leg, 76 cans of lager. 191 00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:21,750 What I need now to make my Christmas complete will be world peace and an 192 00:11:21,750 --> 00:11:22,750 electric screwdriver. 193 00:11:25,990 --> 00:11:29,910 You know, when I was little, I thought my dad was Father Christmas. 194 00:11:30,330 --> 00:11:31,930 Why? Did he dress up? 195 00:11:32,190 --> 00:11:33,190 No. 196 00:11:33,350 --> 00:11:35,070 I only ever saw him once a year. 197 00:11:37,490 --> 00:11:41,690 You know, I've known you for 25 years, and I never thought of you as having 198 00:11:41,690 --> 00:11:42,690 family. 199 00:11:42,950 --> 00:11:45,090 I always thought you were sort of knitted or something. 200 00:11:45,790 --> 00:11:46,790 Yes, I had been. 201 00:11:47,820 --> 00:11:50,540 Here, it's your turn to old Long John Silver. 202 00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:53,860 Christmas is a time for families. 203 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:55,620 Not for me, it isn't. 204 00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:58,780 They don't call me, I don't call them. 205 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:01,320 Saves a fortune on presents, you know. 206 00:12:02,340 --> 00:12:03,340 Sorry I spoke. 207 00:12:03,580 --> 00:12:07,460 In fact, I hope I never set eyes on any of my family ever again. 208 00:12:17,420 --> 00:12:19,180 He has no look that terrible, does he? 209 00:12:22,140 --> 00:12:23,340 So, Santa. Sorry. 210 00:12:23,940 --> 00:12:24,940 Sorry, mate. 211 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,220 Well, at least it'll be easier to get in the frying pan. 212 00:12:28,820 --> 00:12:30,420 I'll get it in my toaster now. 213 00:12:30,780 --> 00:12:31,780 He's a man! 214 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:33,120 He's a thief! 215 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:35,880 Here, where are you going? 216 00:12:36,500 --> 00:12:39,360 All right, sunshine! 217 00:12:40,100 --> 00:12:41,800 Cuff him! I haven't got any handcuffs! 218 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:45,420 Yes, you have. I'll buy you a pair for Christmas from Anne Summer. 219 00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:54,180 Nice paper. Get on with it. 220 00:12:55,940 --> 00:12:57,120 Give me this wristband. 221 00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:02,720 Here we are. Merry Christmas, Santa. 222 00:13:05,180 --> 00:13:07,120 He stole my bag. 223 00:13:07,540 --> 00:13:09,880 It's all right, love. We're coppers. We've been looking for him. 224 00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:12,560 I think you'll find this is yours. 225 00:13:16,860 --> 00:13:19,600 Stop hitting him. That's our job. 226 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:26,480 All right, Bob. 227 00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:27,980 Thanks for seeing you, eh? 228 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:39,280 Very nice, Bob. 229 00:13:39,700 --> 00:13:41,280 You can just shut it. 230 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:43,160 And they say crime doesn't pay. 231 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:47,640 What? Nicky Nandbags off old ladies? Catch me up the streets. 232 00:13:47,900 --> 00:13:50,420 If you're going to beat him up, let me get these things off first. 233 00:13:50,860 --> 00:13:51,860 Give us a kiss then, Bob. 234 00:13:52,940 --> 00:13:54,040 What would Mum say, eh? 235 00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:55,129 Let's think. 236 00:13:55,130 --> 00:13:58,550 She'd have said, keep the cash, ditch the cards, burn the bag, say you were 237 00:13:58,550 --> 00:13:59,550 me. 238 00:13:59,850 --> 00:14:00,850 Well, what would Dad say? 239 00:14:01,650 --> 00:14:02,650 Yours were mine. 240 00:14:09,150 --> 00:14:10,150 Yeah. 241 00:14:11,790 --> 00:14:13,350 You all thought I didn't know, didn't you? 242 00:14:15,390 --> 00:14:18,110 I always wondered why I was the only one in the family who didn't look like a 243 00:14:18,110 --> 00:14:19,110 lizard. 244 00:14:19,510 --> 00:14:23,710 And then on the 14th birthday, I looked in the mirror and I said, 245 00:14:24,830 --> 00:14:26,170 I've seen that face on me before. 246 00:14:27,150 --> 00:14:28,850 It was the spit of the bloody window cleaner. 247 00:14:29,150 --> 00:14:31,550 That'd be bloody ridiculous. It looked nothing like the milkman. 248 00:14:32,470 --> 00:14:34,530 So it was the milkman. 249 00:14:36,650 --> 00:14:37,990 No wonder I always wake up early. 250 00:14:39,710 --> 00:14:40,710 The office. 251 00:14:43,850 --> 00:14:44,850 Dear move. 252 00:14:46,950 --> 00:14:47,950 Hey, Bob. 253 00:14:49,970 --> 00:14:50,970 What? 254 00:14:51,310 --> 00:14:52,850 You haven't got a bit of steak for me, have you? 255 00:14:56,940 --> 00:14:57,940 There you go. 256 00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:00,560 We know when you're finished. 257 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,440 We need them for the stock. 258 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:08,340 Bob, I know you're lonely, but you can't take prisoners home for Christmas. 259 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:10,500 What am I supposed to do? 260 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:12,760 Is that where you keep it? 261 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:16,940 I can't. I just can't. Not on Christmas Eve. 262 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:18,920 Well, I'll do it. He's not my brother. 263 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:20,400 Half -brother. 264 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:23,380 Is that why you half -arrested him? 265 00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:24,920 It's a half -arrest. 266 00:15:26,060 --> 00:15:28,160 This isn't a house. It's a flat. 267 00:15:29,660 --> 00:15:32,560 Look, look, it's just till after Christmas. 268 00:15:33,780 --> 00:15:37,480 A prisoner is for life, you know, Bob. 269 00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:40,640 I mean, he may be sweet and cuddly now. 270 00:15:45,340 --> 00:15:46,480 Anyway, he'll escape. 271 00:15:46,940 --> 00:15:48,420 Oh, no. 272 00:15:48,820 --> 00:15:49,980 He won't escape. 273 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:53,960 He's escaped. 274 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:00,400 I'll handle this. 275 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,820 Kelvin. You can have a leg. 276 00:16:06,460 --> 00:16:07,460 Hang on. 277 00:16:08,180 --> 00:16:10,940 You are aware that you are offering him the leg. 278 00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:13,480 Honest. 279 00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:17,260 Honest. Cross your arm, hope to die. 280 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:19,260 Cross my arm, hope to die. 281 00:16:20,460 --> 00:16:22,440 Hope to die in a cellar full of rats. 282 00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:24,000 Cellar full of rats. 283 00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:26,080 Swimming pool full of dead wife ones. 284 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:28,720 Naturally. 285 00:16:29,180 --> 00:16:30,440 You've got your fingers crossed. 286 00:16:37,180 --> 00:16:41,140 Well, I'm glad we managed to resolve that in mature and adequate fashion. 287 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:48,980 So, uh, how'd you get your black eye then, Bob? 288 00:16:49,780 --> 00:16:50,780 Skinhead in a pub. 289 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:52,940 Hit me with a soda siphon. 290 00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:54,459 You're lucky. 291 00:16:54,460 --> 00:16:55,600 What am I going to tell everybody? 292 00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:57,800 An old lady hit me with her handbag. 293 00:16:58,420 --> 00:16:59,420 Make something up. 294 00:16:59,980 --> 00:17:02,940 Some ridiculous liar like a skinhead in a pub. 295 00:17:03,380 --> 00:17:04,900 Hit you with a soda siphon. 296 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:07,500 What's the matter with him, Spunkay? 297 00:17:08,420 --> 00:17:09,420 Spunkay? 298 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:15,020 You. You can just shut up. Sorry. Is that what you used to call him? 299 00:17:15,220 --> 00:17:16,220 Never mind. 300 00:17:16,500 --> 00:17:18,060 Sandwich? No thanks. 301 00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:20,300 Spunkay. 302 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:21,680 Anyway. 303 00:17:22,660 --> 00:17:24,000 Bags of the ice stuffed a turkey. 304 00:17:25,660 --> 00:17:27,240 Remember Christmas dinner when we were kids? 305 00:17:27,540 --> 00:17:28,540 Past the Marmite. 306 00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:29,880 Spunky. 307 00:17:32,660 --> 00:17:34,540 We couldn't afford a proper title, could we? 308 00:17:35,340 --> 00:17:37,600 Mum used to take the door off and put it across two dustbins. 309 00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:40,220 The whole family sat around that door. 310 00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:43,120 I was the littlest, so I always got the handle. 311 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:49,860 One year the turkey was so small, it fell through the litter box. 312 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:54,800 I expect it was the same at Balmoral. 313 00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:56,500 Mum did her best, you know. 314 00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:58,560 Yeah. 315 00:17:58,680 --> 00:17:59,680 She did her best. 316 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:00,720 God bless her. 317 00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:02,580 Ten of us to look after. 318 00:18:02,780 --> 00:18:03,780 Ten of you? 319 00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:06,680 I thought you said you only saw your dad once a year. 320 00:18:07,100 --> 00:18:08,300 Yeah, but we go through a lot of cow. 321 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:11,920 And milk. 322 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:18,680 Here's to mum. 323 00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:20,720 Here's to mum. 324 00:18:21,580 --> 00:18:23,700 This is like the unfunny bit at the end of MASH. 325 00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:29,880 Hey, I was 13 before I saw a tangerine. I expect it came as a bit of an anti 326 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:30,880 -climax, didn't it? 327 00:18:35,980 --> 00:18:38,880 Well, this is lovely, isn't it, eh? 328 00:18:40,060 --> 00:18:41,920 Having the family over for Christmas. 329 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:45,120 Pity you have to arrest him to get him here. 330 00:18:45,980 --> 00:18:49,320 There you are. You see, Bob? You see? You see? Let him into the house. Yeah, 331 00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:52,460 yeah. You can take the child out of the slum, but you can't take the slum out of 332 00:18:52,460 --> 00:18:55,960 the child. You're calling our house a slum? Don't be daft. It might not have 333 00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:57,260 been a palace, but at least it was clean. 334 00:18:57,540 --> 00:18:58,540 Yeah. 335 00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:01,220 Well, it wasn't really, was it? 336 00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:03,340 No, but at least it was a home. 337 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,540 Yeah. It was a home. 338 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:07,980 Whose side are you on? 339 00:19:09,220 --> 00:19:10,220 Kelvin? 340 00:19:10,940 --> 00:19:11,839 Go to bed. 341 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:12,840 Oh. Now! 342 00:19:15,460 --> 00:19:17,620 Take the side by the wall. It's got a slope. 343 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,460 If you wet the bed, it'll drain off. 344 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,120 Night, Kelvin. 345 00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:25,360 Night, John -boy. 346 00:19:57,420 --> 00:19:58,420 I told you. 347 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:03,620 I told you. I told you. 348 00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:06,160 I put the turkey under the grill. 349 00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:13,540 I suppose the only consolation is that at least now one of us will have the 350 00:20:14,100 --> 00:20:17,580 And I would say, according to natural justice, since I was right and you were 351 00:20:17,580 --> 00:20:21,820 massively and hideously wrong, that I should get the leg. 352 00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:23,880 Get my boot in a minute. 353 00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:26,160 I mean... 354 00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:29,880 They say blood is thicker than water, but you really are thicker than you 355 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:35,020 Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop! 356 00:20:35,740 --> 00:20:36,740 Happy! 357 00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:39,220 What? What are we going to do with you, eh? 358 00:20:39,860 --> 00:20:43,840 Eh? My triton little soldier, eh? 359 00:20:45,980 --> 00:20:48,380 Oh, I knew it as soon as I set eyes on him. 360 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:50,200 A wrong 'un. 361 00:20:51,020 --> 00:20:52,020 Rotten apple. 362 00:20:57,830 --> 00:21:02,430 I mean, look at him. Oh, oh, oh. Merry Christmas, everybody. 363 00:21:02,870 --> 00:21:08,650 You only have to look at him to know that he's... You're back. 364 00:21:09,770 --> 00:21:10,770 Kelvin. 365 00:21:11,110 --> 00:21:13,090 You're back. Of course I'm back. 366 00:21:14,550 --> 00:21:16,070 Just nipped out to do a bit of shopping. 367 00:21:16,890 --> 00:21:18,230 Best time to go shopping. 368 00:21:18,570 --> 00:21:19,590 When there's nobody about. 369 00:21:20,410 --> 00:21:21,730 Right, let's see what we've got. 370 00:21:22,710 --> 00:21:23,710 Brandy. 371 00:21:25,930 --> 00:21:26,930 Mid -spice. 372 00:21:29,790 --> 00:21:31,230 Cigars. What have we got here? 373 00:21:31,910 --> 00:21:32,910 Fluffy toy. 374 00:21:34,590 --> 00:21:37,410 Christmas pud. 375 00:21:39,830 --> 00:21:41,630 And a bag of loose shade to put it in. 376 00:21:42,930 --> 00:21:43,930 Rob. 377 00:21:44,350 --> 00:21:45,350 The office. 378 00:21:51,250 --> 00:21:52,530 He could have bought the stuff. 379 00:21:52,910 --> 00:21:53,970 Four o 'clock in the morning. 380 00:21:54,700 --> 00:21:58,320 His son of a milkman gets up early. There's an echo station down the road 381 00:21:58,320 --> 00:21:59,320 24 hours. 382 00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:02,000 And they sell hand -rolled Havana cigars, do they? 383 00:22:02,860 --> 00:22:04,140 If you've got enough tokens. 384 00:22:04,820 --> 00:22:09,400 You can get this jumper if you've got enough tokens. Let's face it, Bob. We 385 00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:11,160 handling stolen goods, eh? 386 00:22:12,100 --> 00:22:13,100 You've got a light. 387 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:19,760 Oh, no. 388 00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:23,740 You're not laundering stolen property. 389 00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:31,040 of a petrol station you've got. 390 00:22:31,340 --> 00:22:32,700 This is 25 years old. 391 00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:35,360 Well, at least he doesn't nick any new stuff. 392 00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:40,000 Boxing day, we nick him. 393 00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:42,080 Dun -da -da -da! 394 00:22:42,500 --> 00:22:44,520 Dun -da -da -da -da -da! 395 00:22:45,500 --> 00:22:47,320 Hey, will you look at that? 396 00:22:47,700 --> 00:22:49,140 Hey, look at my leg. 397 00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:52,020 It's a bit flat -chested, but look at the breast. 398 00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:53,700 Oh, this is great. 399 00:22:54,180 --> 00:22:55,180 Real turkey. 400 00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:56,680 Real sprouts. 401 00:22:57,100 --> 00:22:58,460 And real metal knives. 402 00:22:58,970 --> 00:23:00,690 Yes, I think I'll do the carving, Kelvin. 403 00:23:03,750 --> 00:23:05,170 Who the hell's that? 404 00:23:06,710 --> 00:23:07,710 Cracker? 405 00:23:08,090 --> 00:23:09,910 Yeah, why not? No cheating. 406 00:23:14,850 --> 00:23:16,730 Who's this, Bob? Another long -lost relative? 407 00:23:17,270 --> 00:23:18,270 No. 408 00:23:18,450 --> 00:23:20,870 No, er... This is my boy. 409 00:23:22,990 --> 00:23:24,510 Superintendent Cotton. 410 00:23:27,410 --> 00:23:28,410 Please. 411 00:23:28,570 --> 00:23:29,570 Call me Frank. 412 00:23:30,530 --> 00:23:31,530 And you are? 413 00:23:31,810 --> 00:23:32,930 This is Calvin, sir. 414 00:23:33,330 --> 00:23:36,690 He's my half -brother. Oh, I'm sorry I didn't realise you had family round. 415 00:23:37,010 --> 00:23:38,010 Neither did we, sir. 416 00:23:38,410 --> 00:23:40,170 He just dropped in, sir. 417 00:23:42,910 --> 00:23:44,070 My word, Louis. 418 00:23:44,430 --> 00:23:46,410 You're certainly pushing the boat out, aren't you? 419 00:23:49,390 --> 00:23:51,730 So, sir, what brings you round here? 420 00:23:53,130 --> 00:23:54,530 Oh, routine call -out. 421 00:23:55,110 --> 00:23:57,190 Had a couple of break -ins just up the road from here. 422 00:23:57,690 --> 00:23:58,690 Last night. 423 00:24:02,910 --> 00:24:04,190 What happened to your turkey? 424 00:24:05,430 --> 00:24:07,790 Oh, it got run over by a car, sir. 425 00:24:08,870 --> 00:24:10,270 Run over by a car? 426 00:24:10,790 --> 00:24:13,730 We had to flatten it a bit to get it under the grill. 427 00:24:14,230 --> 00:24:16,150 The oven's busted, you see, sir. 428 00:24:18,710 --> 00:24:19,850 Certainly a big turkey. 429 00:24:20,630 --> 00:24:21,790 It's only got one leg. 430 00:24:23,470 --> 00:24:24,590 I'm a breast man myself. 431 00:24:24,950 --> 00:24:25,950 Well... 432 00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:32,940 Nice of you to pop by, sir, but I expect you'll want to get back to Mrs, sir, 433 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:34,000 won't you? 434 00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:35,560 You would have thought so, wouldn't you? 435 00:24:37,380 --> 00:24:43,060 This time of year, Christmas time, a man should be with his family. 436 00:24:45,100 --> 00:24:46,100 It's funny. 437 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:49,060 She's not normally a violent woman. 438 00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:52,140 She's just not used to drinking that time of day, that's all. 439 00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:53,560 That's what it is. 440 00:24:53,700 --> 00:24:56,840 When the call -out came, she just went up the wall. 441 00:24:58,510 --> 00:24:59,510 So did the turkey. 442 00:25:01,490 --> 00:25:05,570 It's ironic, isn't it? I worked every hour God sent to buy that steam iron. 443 00:25:06,230 --> 00:25:07,710 And she threw it back in my face. 444 00:25:10,130 --> 00:25:16,950 Still... Nothing like the scent of freshly roasted turkey, is there? 445 00:25:17,990 --> 00:25:19,350 Ah, you tell you what, Frank. 446 00:25:20,050 --> 00:25:21,630 Why not stay here and join us? 447 00:25:21,990 --> 00:25:24,290 Well, that's very kind of you. If it's not too much trouble, Bob. 448 00:25:24,570 --> 00:25:25,850 No, not at all. 449 00:25:26,710 --> 00:25:28,180 No. trouble at all. 450 00:25:35,020 --> 00:25:38,580 Tell me, have you ever thought about the police force, Kelvin? 451 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:42,200 I'll think about them a lot. 452 00:25:42,700 --> 00:25:43,820 I'll take my advice. 453 00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:45,720 Avoid the police. 454 00:25:46,740 --> 00:25:47,900 I'll do my best, Frank. 455 00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:50,160 It's no job for a married man. 456 00:25:50,620 --> 00:25:53,580 It takes a day. I was dragged away from my family. 457 00:25:54,010 --> 00:25:57,550 For the sake of a few stolen cigars and a couple of bottles of brandy. 458 00:25:58,250 --> 00:25:59,250 Brandy. 459 00:25:59,450 --> 00:26:00,450 Top up, sir. 460 00:26:03,390 --> 00:26:06,210 And this morning, I didn't get home till three o 'clock in the morning this 461 00:26:06,210 --> 00:26:07,210 morning. 462 00:26:08,970 --> 00:26:11,030 Looking for a father Christmas. 463 00:26:11,850 --> 00:26:13,090 With a Burmeringham accent. 464 00:26:16,390 --> 00:26:17,390 Sir? 465 00:26:18,770 --> 00:26:19,770 Yes, Bob? 466 00:26:20,170 --> 00:26:21,570 I've got something to tell you, sir. 467 00:26:22,150 --> 00:26:23,150 What? 468 00:26:23,950 --> 00:26:28,070 You can stop looking for the Father Christmas with a Birmingham accent. 469 00:26:30,210 --> 00:26:31,210 See? 470 00:26:32,170 --> 00:26:34,970 Last night, we caught him. 471 00:26:35,510 --> 00:26:36,870 You caught him? 472 00:26:38,310 --> 00:26:39,310 Yeah. 473 00:26:39,770 --> 00:26:41,670 Yes, sir, we caught him. Yeah. 474 00:26:42,730 --> 00:26:43,730 But you got away. 475 00:26:45,230 --> 00:26:47,070 No. It's all right. I'll tell the story. 476 00:26:49,070 --> 00:26:52,450 We're on our way home, off duty, and we caught him red -handed. 477 00:26:53,580 --> 00:26:55,640 I managed to wrestle him to the ground. 478 00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:02,640 Bob was sort of mincing around and squealing the way he does when he's 479 00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:04,000 this. Just hang on a minute. 480 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:07,240 Anyway, I've got him. 481 00:27:07,540 --> 00:27:08,540 Half Nelson. 482 00:27:08,780 --> 00:27:13,000 Oh, big bloke. Built like a caravan, but I've got him. Then he thumps me in the 483 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:16,160 eye, right? Then Bob slips, falls over and he starts crying. 484 00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:20,100 And while I'm trying to comfort Bob, the Father Christmas mugger ups and legs 485 00:27:20,100 --> 00:27:22,180 it. That scene heading towards Houston Station. 486 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:24,400 Is that right in it, Bob? 487 00:27:25,060 --> 00:27:26,060 Brilliant. 488 00:27:26,540 --> 00:27:27,540 Yes, Dave. 489 00:27:28,140 --> 00:27:31,620 Yeah, and I wouldn't have said it was a Birmingham accent. 490 00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:38,620 When he was shouting, Macy, Macy, it sounded to me more Nottingham than 491 00:27:38,620 --> 00:27:39,620 Birmingham. 492 00:27:40,340 --> 00:27:41,840 That's incredible, Briggs. 493 00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:44,260 Bob will verify my story. 494 00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:50,860 Off -duty copper risks life and turkey in selfless pursuit of dangerous 495 00:27:50,860 --> 00:27:51,860 criminal. 496 00:27:52,940 --> 00:27:54,300 I should have said something earlier. 497 00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:57,100 Oh, you know me, sir. 498 00:27:58,160 --> 00:27:59,280 I don't like to brag. 499 00:28:00,820 --> 00:28:06,100 But I have to say that after the hiding I give him, I don't... I don't think 500 00:28:06,100 --> 00:28:07,740 we'll be seeing him in this manner again. 501 00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:10,520 Do you, Bob? 502 00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:15,960 No, Dave. 503 00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:17,160 Do you, Kelvin? 504 00:28:17,700 --> 00:28:19,940 Oh, definitely not. 505 00:28:22,860 --> 00:28:23,860 Merry Christmas. 506 00:28:24,540 --> 00:28:25,680 Merry Christmas. 507 00:28:25,940 --> 00:28:27,100 Merry Christmas everybody.